Well, it's kind of simple really. I have always wanted to know about my Mama. The older I get, it seems the more I need to know. I feel like I should know about her, for the sake of Miss E. What if she wants to know about where I come from? "Mummy was adopted" just doesn't seem like a good enough answer to give to her.
I have avoided it because for the most part, it's been so dangerous in Sri Lanka over the past 10+ years and I wanted to wait until it was safe to go wandering through the countryside.
It's the Nature Vs Nurture thing too. I am like Mel and Pam. There is no doubt about it. People have trouble telling us all apart on the phone and my sister and I walk the same. But there are certain things that seemingly come from no one. So the most reasonable conclusion is that it comes from my Mama. I want to know if I'm like her. I think I look like her but I just don't know. I want to know if she knows about my real father and if she still sees him, if I have brothers or sisters.
I need to know if she's okay. I think about her every day. I wonder where she is and what she does and if her husband treats her right (sadly, the answer is probably no).
Most of all I want to know if she misses me as much as I think about her. I don't remember a time not having her in my mind. I wonder if the last 30 years of her life have been the same. I can hardly stand being away from Miss E for more than 24 hours, I can't imagine what it must be like to be without your baby for almost 30 years. Maybe she doesn't care at all. Maybe I'm being too romantic about the whole thing. I have to remind myself that it's adoption and there's nothing really that romantic about it. At least not from the side where you lose your child.
At the moment I am guessing. Knowing for sure has got to be better than guessing, right?
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